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| hoping all the verses rhyme | ||
| 0x0076 | 30 OCT 2002 | 13:22:49 |
|
here on the precipice of this journal's six month anniversary, i'm informing
you that my last entry here is being written right now. i've mentioned it
before, and the notion hasn't subsided: this concept is past me. i see the novels of import that andy writes and the heart-wrenchingly soulful prose that kate writes, and i realize this isn't me. perhaps some of you remember my purpose in all of this, but i don't. let me rephrase that: i don't remember how i thought this would help. it's been a rollercoaster, as lives always are, and maybe the real point is that i tried. i've also lost touch with people. some people that i truly love found this page not as an extension of that love, but in some part a substitution of our communication. though i faciltated this view, it is not in any way what i desired. perhaps i'll stay in touch more now. perhaps i'll talk more now. perhaps i'll say "hello" more now. so thanks for coming everyone who has enjoyed this, everyone who has laughed, cried, thought with me. this book needs an ending and i'm polishing her now. some people feel sad for this journal, left out in the rain as it has been. are you sad? you are crazy. it's just a journal. here's to what the future brings. i know tomorrow you'll find better things. (19) | ||
| say it to my face this time | ||
| 0x0075 | 09 OCT 2002 | 10:56:40 |
|
so yeah, i'm a yuppie. i had another yuppie dinner party last night. i made
plans for at least two others. i agreed to host one soon, but only with someone
else's help. let me tear away this garb and show you my emblazoned chest. it feels so . . . strange. i'm not sure what it is. i looked up in the dictionary exactly what yuppie meant, and i've had it right all along. i was hoping for a nuance that could technically exclude me from my dinner party brethren (well, not from that group, but from other groups like it). no nuance, no way. i don't feel it, is the thing. and i hope i don't act all typical yuppie. but there have been plenty of good people who have embraced their yuppie-hood, right? jillian said she's never talking to me again. she's just jealous. we all know that she secretly dreams of hardwood and kitchens with three people around the stove chatting and drinking their sauvignon blanc. | ||
| and another thing | ||
| 0x0074 | 07 OCT 2002 | 17:05:57 |
| all those people who taunted me with mountain dew saying it tastes just like sprite/7-up/s-mist were right. well, maybe a little different. but i can stand that if i'm gonna get caffeine for that difference. i'm a fan now. for the first time in my life. praise pepsico. | ||
| planet activism | ||
| 0x0073 | 07 OCT 2002 | 16:38:22 |
|
so cmepw.org has a new wing. or rather, my web server is hosting a new site.
in fact, i've done this so much, it's a breeze now. in fact, i've almost
perfected it. in fact, okay, no more facts. just check out Erase the CASE hosted right here on the
same macheen you're already connected to. the only thing i don't have down yet
is how to count hits for that. hmmm... any ideas web-boys? i'm simply
cat'ing out the actual file in my index script so it looks like that is
the only page hosted here. i'm thinking of logging those hits somewhere the
webserver doesn't. what d'ya think? so the site. it was a about time katie started taking down the chicago public school system. i'm glad she asked for my help. go there, read it. good cause, yada yada. i'm not so active in it. just auxiliary to the cause, i suppose. it's still fun arming the "rebels", though. | ||
| happy birthday jillian! | ||
| 0x0072 | 07 OCT 2002 | 09:43:17 |
| happy birthday jillian! | ||
| bam! | ||
| 0x0071 | 03 OCT 2002 | 17:07:52 |
|
and down it goes. andy is being laid off
tomorrow. talk about shitty shitty timing. i can't believe everything his
company is putting him through. and it used to seem like such a good job.
fuck. fuckity, fuckity, fuck fuck. here's hoping the best for him. our
thoughts are with you, yo. | ||
| fuck you it's valid, and fuck you it's for real (18) | ||
| 0x0070 | 03 OCT 2002 | 14:07:43 |
|
i was in a movie last night. a typical movie. chicago twenty-somethings
gathering for food and drink at a delicious lakeview (read: wrigleyville)
apartment. hardwood floors, open kitchen, tiny bedrooms, but plenty "living"
space. i wonder if those apartments are designed with company in mind.
well, sure you can barely fit a dresser in here with your bed, but look at
the vast expanse that we call a "living room". it was classic. it gave me
goosebumps, even. to think that i might have skipped it for whatever reasons is
now becoming absurd. i have an appreciation for it now. i not too long ago went walking around my block, and through an old town window i saw three twenty-something women atop their stools, red wine in hand, dinner and candlelight adorning the countertop, and i balked at it. the depravity of it! people don't like like that. it was a setup. a contrived construction built solely for the benefit of self confidence, the purpose of self affirmation. but people really do live like that. in the city they do, at least. i had some friends that had some friends that had some friends, and guess what? when we got together, we all actually liked each other. it was eight of us by night's end. eleven plus bottles of wine, assorted stuffed mushrooms and tomatoes, chicken breasts, brownies, and scoops of ice cream. all finished by midnight. drunken scrabble and plentiful innuendo included at no extra charge. we even watched dawson's river. so i won't go see sleater-kinney next weekend, and i won't complete my release here at work this week, but my body's hurting enough today to tell me that i had a great time last night. it picks up my spirits concentrating on that. | ||
| hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love (16) | ||||
| 0x006f | 30 SEP 2002 | 10:11:47 | ||
|
happy birthday gina! happy belated birthday to kyle, too. i forgot i had the
ability to put this little sub-header in. hehe. | ||||
|
the first e-mail i received at work today came at 6:52. that was nothing. just
a 'can you show me how to work this?' e-mail. the second e-mail i got came not
too long ago at 8:48. it begins: "Welcome to what will be hell for the next
several weeks." that's a lovely e-mail. my beta release stuck itself in a
loop. fortunately it's processing on our test system yet working off real
market data, so the problem didn't screw up anything important and resolved
itself after a few more price fluctuations (sp?). but still,
badness ensued. it sent out an order, then canceled it, then sent out the same
order, then canceled it, etc, etc, lather, rince, repeat (at least 30 times).
yeah me. but the problem's already fixed. the release is compiling as i type this. and i'd like to point out that while i had a good time this wkend (football aside), i could've been out with my sister and her friends and the younger sister of one of her friends. apparently she's a redhead. but no, i was in champaign helping to celebrate the Coming Of Age of two of our dearest friends of whom i'll write sentences involving too many instances of the word "of". if you can parse that sentence, i love you. anyway, the situation put things into perspective for me. re: the title of this journal entry. Dar once wrote: (17)
and just this morning it clicked. it always clicks, doesn't it? there's no one out there pining to be with me. no one waiting for her chance to be my girlfriend. no one walking down the block minding "he's cute" to herself. why do i? it's not that it costs too much to love, it costs to much to care about love. to ponder it incessantly. to obsess over it. and that's where the (long) quote above fits it. everyone is doing this, figuring this out. i could name five people off the top of my head that are having this difficulty right now. sure the quote is about college and reminded me (in too many ways) of my days with katie. maybe i'm re-revisiting those times and learning my lessons. and i'm going to admit (truthfully, i hope) that i haven't been obsessing over it that much recently. but still too much. any bit is too much. and that's another bit, mykel brought me back here when i thought i was doing so well. | ||||
| and i feel no pain (15) | ||
| 0x006e | 26 SEP 2002 | 17:06:24 |
|
somewhere along the line, this lost most of its meaning for me. maybe i've said
that before. maybe it's worth saying again, maybe it'll jog me into a different
realm. i guess i haven't had much to say, haven't had much on my mind that i
could blurt out or even find words for. i guess i told that to gina. my work
recently has been sucking. this week hasn't been that bad; i got a beta release
out the door (yeah me). but there's this melancholy about me. i know
gina and i discussed that. there was this long lull penetrated by this entity, mykel and whatever else she manufactured in my life, and now that's gone. it was like this bubble just waiting to pop, i think. she came through and broke the surface tension. all the air rushed out really fast, a year of it released in one lone month, and now i'm left feeling deflated and empty. no, i'm not broken, but thanks for the sentiment. and while it doesn't hurt you when i don't write, but i'm not sure it helps me when i do. i need to busy myself, i think. i'll do just fine with that this evening. tyler's wedding's program. buying alcohol for the weekend. perhaps photo scanning if the previous two fail to hold my attention. the chicago film festival starts next week. next friday. i'm going to try to make a point of seeing as many movies as i can. get myself out there, doing things, thinking less. and i love seeing movies by myself. it's this perfect time when you can be alone and not be busying yourself with some task or mental excercise. i'm making no sense. i'm contradicting myself. i should stop. | ||
| don't you come 'round here no more | ||
| 0x006d | 17 SEP 2002 | 20:18:29 |
|
jeez, that's a long time. four days. four whole days. crazy. i think i've
been overwhelmed with andy's site. his journal entries are way long. like
almost too long to read. penny arcade style, i suppose. i'm not sure the last
time i got through an entire penny arcade update. i just usually quick look for
that current comic link and run. so the wkend was fun. gina came up and we hung out at the celtic fest in grant park on saturday afternoon. it was like The Taste, but smaller with less food and more strange and mystical music. just as soulless though. it was kinda disheartening. we did see the scottish throwing things game though. albeit only the final contestant. we ended up at diana's party in the evening hours. it was fun. lots of drunk people (including diana, lyn, adam, other assorted friends). she has a really nice house that she's not going to be living in. pity for her. no one wants to live in schaumburg anyway, i guess. paxton even came, but gina and i left before he thoroughly got his drink on. too bad too, because i hear he shows off his tattoo when he's off his rocker. and sunday the beach. gina and i went walking along the beach and we just stopped. just past the volleyball polls, all absent of nets, we stopped. left our shoes past the waterline and slowly inched our way forward. it was cold at first, of course. but then we numbed and it felt fine. the lake waves had a strange effect on me. it made me long for the ocean again. the atlantic, the eastern seaboard. i do miss it so. i didn't grow up next to it, but it was never far from reach. my parents are moving back when they retire and that moment was the first time i thought about the same migration. visions of these false memories, a movie, gattaca probably, flooded me. and i wept inside for my long-lost body of water. the pond was calling me. | ||